So, to give you an idea of what I’ll talk about, let me tell you about myself. I don’t use social media at all. I do scroll sometimes and check the news, but I rarely communicate. I like to communicate with people face-to-face. This is just a short brief but you can read my About Phones post for more clarity if you’d like, as I think it is relatable.
I have times when I just disappear from life. I don’t talk to my best friends, and I don’t watch anything that makes me happy or that I find joy in, I just exist. That could be a big problem you know it’s not can be it is in my case that last time that happened I left one of my best friends in a really bad case, not any case she was going through some really bad medical condition and it wasn’t in the country we live in she had to travel across for that surgery, now I’m not saying I should have flight there with her or anything hard, it’s just that at first I kept in touch with her like daily but then after a couple of weeks I don’t know what happened I just stopped, I went to that situation. I stopped talking to anyone when I say anyone not in person just online. To make that clear I knew her from school so she is not relative or anything. So, in person, we have a gathering at my grandma’s house every weekend for an evening we gather there all of my aunts and uncles with their children and even my grandma’s sisters and their daughters sometimes come as well. So, there I’d be available I do think though that it’s because of a habit, there is a special character for that day, that I’m the happiest person you could ever meet and a great daughter, but I can’t tell you how exhausted I usually be when I get back home. Now that you have a glimpse of that let’s continue. So, online no one would ever find me just that day and since that friend of mine is not a relative and doesn’t live close by I don’t meet here regularly I used to only at school, so we are mostly in touch online some may say what a bitch am I but believe me I can’t ignore it no matter what. It’s not as if I want to, It’s just that I do.
It does feel like am locked sometimes. Anyway, after that time I reached out to that friend we made it up I didn’t lie or anything, but it again happened we were texting each other for days, I asked her a random question she responded and I disappeared just like that nothing happened. Well, she had complications after the surgery but she got well all that was left for her was physical therapy, which she had been doing for months and getting better. And by that time she had done the surgery for what a year and almost a half. So, there is nothing for me to get scared of or anything she is doing great we were just having normal girls talk and I couldn’t respond.
You know due to that not only this one but also my other my relationship with my other 2 friends is not as before, because I can’t keep on texting. We were all in the same school, the same class, and best friends. One of them for 4 years, the other one for 3 and the other for 2. That was when we were at school but we kept meeting after that talking video or just voice calls or even messaging. But it was only me all the time that kept struggling with keeping up with them.
Now, someone would say why won’t you just talk to them, first to me it feels just like an excuse not to talk to them or that is what I think they’d be thinking (not sure which is correct, even though there is no right and wrong in this), second it’s not that easy to express my feeling to people. But they do know somewhat of that, because since school I didn’t use to text a lot, but this situation is different as you know now.
Sometimes I think what if this friendship is not supposed to last, maybe it was just a phase or so, and that scares the hell out of me. I don’t know is that the fact that I’ll be lonely even though I technically won’t but it feels that I’ll, or due to how much I love them even though I don’t express that (I know am working on expressing my feelings to others), or the fact that I’m just too attached to them, or to the idea of me being with them. or am I too attached to the past, I have thought about that a lot lately, I don’t know.
For clarity, this is just me expressing what am feeling and nothing else. I’ll try to express all of this to them one day. Let me know your thoughts if you’re going through something similar or already did and how did you fix that.
See you in the next one. I hope that you have a great time anywhere and everywhere you go!